In 01/19/19 I completed 33. Was married, had very serious depression, was planning to kill myself earlier October, but ultimately decided not to because I was afraid what would happen to my cats. They saved me from scorpions a couple times (they showed up often in my house) so I felt I owned my life to them, and in a way, they saved me again in this instance.
End of March I decided to visit a psychiatrist. Came home happy with a receipt for meds to start a treatment and when I talked to my husband about it he decided to break up with me. I knew we had to do this, but it didn’t hurt any less. In my desperation I said “good luck going to bed without knowing if I’ll still be alive when you wake up” and then he decided to call my parents to come pick me up. He had to wake up early the next day to go to work and couldn’t take care of me anymore. My mom, who lives in another town came right away to take me with her.
The next week I started therapy. “Everything would be so much easier if we had a map of life”, I thought. Then I remembered about how numerology and astrology maps are basically just that, literally a map that helps you navigate your own life. Studied numerology a bit, got into meditation and started going to a Spiritism center. I’ve always felt drawn to Spiritism growing up, but was too afraid to approach it before. Since I had literally nothing else to lose (my ex-husband had claimed the house and everything in it saying I had no rights because he paid for everything), it was time to face the fear and see what it was all about.
Studying Mediumship and spirit communication I found some of the reasons why a lot of things happened in my life, why I was always so afraid of apparently nothing at all and why I was in physical pain all the time. Funny how knowledge works, things lose their power over you when you discover what they are and how they work. Started to lose weight, became a happier person, made friends, improved my eating habits and dove deep into Spirit Awakening studies.
The first book I read was “The Seat of the Soul”, by Gary Zukav, and it felt like I had finally discovered something I was been searching for my whole life and didn’t know what. Things were continuing to evolve and I had a pretty good relationship with my guardian angels and spirit guides. Got into Chakras, dream work, spirit animals, other religions like Buddhism and Hinduism… One night I made contact to an entity in a big white round room, he was sitting with his legs crossed, and everything was upside down. Then some of my past lives started to resurface. It was pretty hard for some of them to accept current reality and I remember one in particular crying and wailing a very heavy pain as he realized “Oh God, what have I done to my life”.
Every time I felt like I had reached the peak, a new philosophy or line of thought would open up. Around September I started to feel a sense of urgency and like everything was talking directly to me. Videos about things that I had never thought before started to show up in my YT feed and time felt like it had stretched like it could fit a whole month inside a single day. One day while going to work, everything became blue. The blue of the sky became very intense, the wall was painted blue, the asphalt on the floor had a blue hue in it… It was like a very intense synchronicity.
Around October, during a special meditation session, all my spirit guides came to greet me and show me their homes/planets/plains of existence, like they were saying goodbye. After that I came across the Bhagavad Gita and another book, about a certain Voice, written by a certain Madam and read it up to page 9, it felt like I was only supposed to go that far.
The sense of urgency got overwhelmingly strong, I begun to cry a lot and I started to feel like I was going to die. Went into meditative state and suddenly all my lives flashed before my eyes, including animal lives (I distinctly remember the vision starting with a bat flying into the night, then morphing into a horse and so on until the first human, a suicidal jumping off of a building).
The next day I died during meditation. It was a blissful experience of feeling nothing and everything at once. My body felt numb like under anestesia, and my heart stopped. While passing, “The Voice” called me “the most bright light” and we walked over the Infinite Sea. “All this is yours, to create or destroy”. Some people who had NDEs feel like they were given a choice to stay or go and ultimately decided to stay on Earth, but I didn’t feel that choice. For me it was always suppose to stay and help whatever way I could. Some deep meanings were opened to me, like the famous “I’m the alpha and the omega”, from Jesus (it’s very hard to explain, it’s more like a feeling, a deep knowing).
After that a very heavy life review started and I was shown the reason my relationship ended and why it had to happen. It was the worst, loudest cry of my life, as my mother ran into the room asking what happened. For a period of a couple days it was very painful, it felt like I had just being born. Everything was so loud and bright, and waves of thoughts and feelings crashed onto me revealing hidden meanings and connections everywhere.
I begun to connect with songs and movies like it’s all talking about me/for me. One song specifically says “I’d die for you on my terms When I get my lessons learned” and I remember saying exactly that during the NDE proccess. Some times it feels like my thoughts and feelings influence the reality of the world in some way and at the same time, it’s like I already know it does and how that works. Life became way more vivid (hah!).
It’s been a year since it all begun and I’m still here, studying a lot, currently Metaphysics, Astronomy and Ancient Civilizations. Something definitely changed within my self and some times it feels just as hard as before, it is most definitely not a stable path. It feels like I’m constructing reality as I learn things, and as there is an infinitely amount of things to learn yet, it can be a bit overwhelming at times. Well, at least now I know who I am and why I’m in this planet (even if that changes almost daily), as a learn to surf the waves of The Sea.
(https://old.reddit.com/r/Soulnexus/comments/hrr6vo/hi_id_like_to_share_a_part_of_my_story/)
